Curiosity!

It was nice to see a playful kitten with the spirit of Curious George on the cover of The Harvard Business Review about a year ago. My colleagues and I have long touted “curiosity.” From my perspective, curiosity is critical. It’s not just the backbone of learning as an adult, it’s the backbone of being an interesting adult. Evidence based research is showing the importance of curiosity as a trait in those entering the workforce. It fosters agility and the ability to adapt in our constantly changing, increasingly complex world.  

Leaning into our curiosity opens us up to nuance and unexpected variables that may be hidden if we don’t root around for them. It can also help make us a better boss, parent, friend, citizen. Most of us make assumptions about other people’s motivations, experiences, feelings, and resourcefulness. Being a coach has taught me that everyone has undetected wisdom. Being with kids has taught me that they crave being recognized for their uniqueness. They are hungry not for our sage advice but for our curiosity. Your kids, your employees, your clients, your friends….they will all surprise and enlighten you if you get curious and ask them some new questions.

We like curious people because their curiosity ignites their interest in things which fuels an energy we can share. We also like curious people because one of those things they are curious about is us. People with curiosity want to understand the people they interact with.  They ask questions, get us talking, and generate more connection.

Curiosity keeps us from thinking we know and understand everything. More importantly it keeps us from feeling that we need to know and understand everything. This is hard because for much of our lives we get rewarded for knowing things. We grow up getting academically and socially rewarded for being “right.” This makes us want to keep being right about things so we look for opportunities in which we can feel good about what we know.  

Clearly, there is a time for us to demonstrate our expertise and knowledge. Of course I want my electrician to demonstrate his expertise in wiring and I want my doctor to impress me with her deep knowledge about my medical condition. I also want her to be curious about me and my particular symptoms and history. I don’t want her past experience to make her jump to conclusions. I understand that her expertise can make having fresh curiosity about me challenging. She will likely hear me rattle off a few symptoms and think, “oh, yes it’s this.” The difference between a good doctor and great doctor is the ability to stay curious about the uniqueness of me, their 753rd case. Likewise the exceptional teacher stays curious about the potential of each of their thousands of students and the best business consultants are curious about the individual personalities and needs informing a particular assignment, the likes of which they’ve seen many times.

For many it is obvious that we can be brilliant and also open to the millions of things we don’t know. For others, it is a struggle to grapple with this seeming paradox. To lean into what we don’t know, rather than what we do, feels uncertain; it takes us into uncharted territory where we might not know what to do or say. But of course the side effect of being willing not to know things is that we learn a lot more things. The more we need to remain the expert, the more limited our knowledge remains. This is related to growth and fixed mindset which I wrote about a couple months ago. Nurturing and practicing curiosity is a great weapon in the battle against fixed mindset.

Don’t underestimate the power of this thing. Many an elderly person has said curiosity is the  thing that has kept them alive. Curiosity is what makes poets and inventors. It makes for the best first dates and can keep marriages clicking. It’s a differentiator in business and will make you everyone’s favorite person at a dinner party. It can help assuage fear and will probably make you nicer.

The world is moving fast and we need perpetual learners. People filled with curiosity. Here’s a quick recipe: Look up. Look closer. Ask why. Ask what else. Ask again. Repeat.

In Search of Simplicity

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about simplicity. My dad was visiting a couple months ago and at some point said in an off-hand, loving way, “Boy, you sure know how to make things more complicated than they need to be.”  Ironically, my response was pretty simple: “Yeah, I sure do.” 

I’d gotten back from a trip the day before and didn’t feel well. I had refused his offer to go to the store for me to shop for dinner even though it meant I had to take work calls on the way there and back. As I unloaded the groceries, I realized I’d forgotten some ingredients and was trying to problem solve. This was right after he listened to me plan how to get some time with my teenage step daughters without inconveniencing their homework and social plans. In the reflection of his eyes, I saw my own insanity. In the wake of his comment I knew there was an easier path to everything I was contemplating. I was trying to do too much and please too many people.

I know I am in good company.  A week later a colleague reached out to consult about the introductory thirty seconds of some content we were offering. Five email exchanges later, he wrote to me, “I’m perfectly capable of over thinking this without your help, thank you!”  I slapped myself on the forehead; what a rabbit hole we’d dug for each other. In the past couple months I’ve had both clients and friends stop mid-sentence and say, “I know, I’m over-thinking this.” Last week I had a whole class of over-complicators! I admired their desire to do good work and demonstrate their capability but from my vantage point it was easy to see many simpler paths to the way they were getting things done. They were often one good question away from saving themselves thirty minutes of work.

We almost always over complicate for the best of reasons and with the best of intentions. To be thorough, careful, thoughtful, attentive, generous, disciplined. And we are often, rightfully so, rewarded for these traits and tendencies. The overuse of good traits and habits are the hardest to contend with.  It’s one thing to set to work on breaking our bad habits, but trying to reign in our good ones is a whole other mind bender. Over complicating our thinking and doing generally falls into this overuse category of mind bender.

Some questions to consider when trying to simplify your thinking and/or doing:

How long have I been working on this?  Is this about how long this should take me?

Is there someone who knows more about this that I could ask for help? What good questions could I ask them?

Is there someone who has offered to help whose help I have refused because of pride/perfectionism/control/need to prove myself?

Am I trying to do too many things today? This week? This hour?

How can I use my time so I am managing as few things at once as possible?

Am I hungry? How can I make sure I get fed?

Are my own standards of success helping or hindering me? 

What have I said yes to recently? Are there things I can/should say no to?

Who can I run this idea by to see if I have given it enough thought?

What is something I’ve let myself believe matters lately that doesn’t really matter?  What is something that does matter that I haven’t made time for?

All of these questions orient us towards simplicity. They focus us on the resources that exist within and without us to get stuff done. They force us to stop, to intervene in our own unhelpful spirals, to be vigilant about where our precious time and energy go. To remember how often we keep at bay people willing and able to help.

The questions above seem simple enough. But of course if asking ourselves these questions and answering them were easy, I wouldn’t get to bear witness to so many people answering them for the first time, to so many forehead slaps, knowing smiles, and ah-has. If it were easy, we wouldn’t have to keep asking them, the answers would stick, and an observant dad wouldn’t be calling out his 46 year old daughter who is trained to ask them.

Life is complicated. Simplicity is a practice. What can you let go of? Which of the above questions can you ask and answer today? Don’t worry, if you decide simplicity is not your thing, complexity will have no trouble finding you.

Being Busy

This summer when I’ve been asked, “How are you?” my initial response has mostly been, “I’m busy!” This response is true, but not totally accurate. “Being busy” has many different meanings. It’s important to differentiate those meanings.

I’ve been alternating between a “gratified busy” that fills my bucket and an “overwhelmed busy” that makes me feel panicky. Calling both these states “being busy,” means I’m not  mindfully attending to either one. Being mindful of how we are attending to and feeling about our tasks is how we generate better energy—we can modify what’s working and what’s not.

When I’m the kind of busy that makes me happy and purposeful, I want to be grateful and enjoy it. I might say “life is full,” or “I’m working on lots of interesting things.” When I’m the kind of busy that consumes my energy with tasks that are necessary but not gratifying, I might say, “I’m feeling  a bit run down.” When I’ve got multiple balls in the air and not feeling in control, I’d be more accurate saying, “I’m feeling overwhelmed.” How I deal with a bunch of depleting to-dos is different than how I manage too many different or competing things on my plate. To be wise about to what I say “yes” and “no,” I have to be clear about how specific things impact me. To distribute my energy efficiently, I have to understand what in particular is feeding me, teaching me, or draining me.

Most of us feel good saying, “I’m busy!” We like being in motion, getting things done. Our culture rewards busy and we often associate lulls in activity with the insecurity of periods of transition or uncertainty, such as unemployment. It’s important to acknowledge how much of being busy is positive and treat it as such. The axiom, “If you want something done ask a busy person to do it” is often true. People in motion tend to stay in motion. I certainly manage my time more efficiently when I have less of it. And yet, I also know that the positive charge from being busy gives busyness the ability to seduce me away from other vital states of being.

 “Being busy is its own kind of laziness.” I don’t know who said this or in what context but the truth of it shot through me when this comment blared out on the speaker system when I turned my car on recently. It rang true for me personally and is also central to many of my client’s efforts to expand on what they do and how they are working. When we want to be more creative or strategic, we need time and space to think, plan and create. Trying something new or doing something differently requires slowing down, assessing, and putting energy into accomplishing what’s  unfamiliar to us. The number one excuse I hear for why people don’t test boundaries, try new things and put effort into ideas in which they’ve long wanted to invest is, “I’m too busy.” It’s a great excuse because it implies the reason we are not doing the thing we want to do is that we are productive, diligent hard-workers. This is much easier to contend with than that we are not feeling brave enough, talented enough or energetic enough to explore new paths.

Sometimes after a period of lots of activity, the lack of it actually scares me. It scares me because I know that without the distraction of being busy, I’m going to have time to assess. To think through where I’m expending energy and if there are things I’ve been procrastinating or avoiding. It’s when I run out of excuses not to do the harder, riskier things. And of course, any feelings I’ve buried in activity are going to have to be felt!

Stay attuned to what kind of busy you are. If it’s fulfilling, great, enjoy it! If it’s overwhelming, hang in there and look for what you can let go. If it’s draining, can you switch course or access something that will also fuel you? If it’s busyness distracting you from richer, more challenging work, then be brave, put down your to-do list and dig into the ambiguity and opportunity of unoccupied space and time.

Growth And Fixed Mindset

At the heart of any attempt to learn or strive for continued growth is the concept of growth mindset. I’ve had zero coaching engagements where this doesn’t come up. It is core to our ability to be vulnerable, stumble, take risks, look silly and get better.

Through extensive research, Carol Dweck sets forth the concept of fixed vs. growth mindset in one of my most frequently recommended books, Mindset (2006). Today almost every thought leadership or self-help book references this research. All of us in the world of learning and development see and feel how fundamental it is.

Fixed and growth mindset address how we think about our abilities. Thinking of our talents as fixed traits makes it much harder to put ourselves in positions where those talents aren’t being proven. To someone with a fixed mindset, doing a task poorly or lacking knowledge about something feels like a threat. Those with a growth mindset believe our abilities can be developed through practice and learning. They are not threatened by challenges and mistakes, because they believe that through them they will develop their skills and improve.

A few years ago I took two eight-year old girls to play tennis. I was feeding them balls and they were missing all of them. One of the girls got really frustrated and after about ten misses, said “I don’t like this, I’m done.” After watching her storm off, the other girl turned back to me ready to receive more balls. She chatted and swung her racket and ran happily after dozens of missed balls. I thought to myself, “This girl is my hero. It’s not occurring to her that she might look silly or be failing.”  I had never been able to stay that open and optimistic while doing something poorly. Eventually, of course, she started hitting the ball. She became my growth mindset role model. When I feel myself choosing to look impressive over learning more faster, I think of her swinging that racket and say to myself, “it didn’t even occur to her to feel silly.” Today this girl stops me instantly every time I use a word she doesn’t know to ask me what it means. I have a history of practicing the fixed mindset habit of looking up words I don’t know in private where my intelligence can’t be questioned. Asking people to clarify things I don’t understand or know about is one of the ways I practice a growth mindset. That’s the good news; we can practice and develop more of a growth mindset. 

One way a fixed mindset shows up frequently for my clients is when they don’t feel good about how they are contributing to conversations at work. They have good ideas, but are frustrated that others often express them first. There can be multiple sources of this but one of them is their fear of looking stupid, which prevents them from tossing their ideas or responses onto the table. Because they want to prove their intelligence or their right to be at the table with every comment, few of their ideas seem good enough to say aloud. In accepting that an imperfect idea is not evidence of their own imperfection, they can begin to take more risks and find new ways of adding value. 

Another way I often see fixed mindset is in people’s resistance to learning in areas of expertise or strength. It can be hard to accept new perspectives or information about things we are known to excel in.  With a fixed mindset, new information can be perceived as a threat to our own expertise rather than an opportunity to deepen it.  

Another indicator is unwillingness to ask for and receive feedback. The best of the best in all fields are feedback seekers. They welcome critical feedback as a way to hasten improvement. As you consider your own place on the spectrum of growth vs. fixed mindset ask yourself, “Do I invite or avoid feedback? Do I embrace or shy away from challenges? Am I threatened when someone else succeeds or do I celebrate and seek to learn from their accomplishments?”  There are numerous opportunities to practice growth mindset behaviors in these questions. 

It’s easy to see how beneficial a growth mindset is to innovation, creativity and resilience. A fixed mindset is fertile ground for our inner critic and the part of us that wants to play it safe. It makes us smaller. A growth mindset sets us up to explore, experiment and get up after a fall to brush off and try again. When we focus on effort, practice, and process over polished products and results we can nurture and develop growth mindset in ourselves and each other.  After all, there is no arrival. We are works in progress, with something ever more possible always before us.  

How to Give Up

I’ve been working on a blog post for the better part of two days. The topic I chose just isn’t coming together. I checked in with the perfectionism part of my brain to see if it was sabotaging me but that wasn’t it. Try as I may, my ideas on that subject are not coming together in a cohesive way.  Last night I told my husband how frustrated I was and he said, “why don’t you just give up on this one? It’s summer, you should give yourself a break.” To which I responded, “No, I shouldn’t! I’m committed to this! And I’ve been working on it for two days, I can’t just give up.” 

I went to bed grumpy about that dang blog for the second night in a row. 

I woke up thinking about sunk cost bias. Sunk cost bias is our tendency to stick with something despite evidence it’s not working because of the time and money we’ve already invested. Basically throwing good money after bad. Or good time and energy after time and energy already spent. On a small scale: me tormented by whether to give up on a piece of writing. Large scale: a country figuring out whether to pull out of a war when it’s more expensive than anticipated and a strategy isn’t working. 

I work frequently with people who are wrestling with sunk cost bias, even if we aren’t naming it that. When we work through how to manage time on people who are floundering or on projects they no longer believe in, one of the factors we consider is the energy already invested. Have they worked with someone long enough to feel sure about a decision to remove them from a role? Should they give up on a spiraling project or forge forward and try this or that? There’s never an easy answer…which is why I have a job. 

Sunk cost bias is deeply embedded in decisions to quit jobs or switch careers. As someone in a second career, I can fully attest to how painful it is to make the decision to turn away from something we’ve been fully committed to in every way. It usually takes years to sort through all the factors that enable someone to feel good about choosing a new direction.  Looking back, I can easily see how much of the investment I made in my first career is fundamental to success in my second one. I can see the ongoing value of what I learned both from being fully in that world and then getting out. But in the midst of the decision to actually let something go, it can be hard to believe in future benefits. Even if we are miserable in our current situation, letting something go can feel like failure. Even if we see no value in continuing, deciding not to can just feel like giving up. 

We are a culture of go-getters. Never quitters. In the movies the main character has to almost lose something at least twice but stick it out anyway before we have our sufficiently tested hero. How then can we turn away and move on from things without feeling like quitters? How do we know we are being wise in letting something go rather than cowardly or lazy for giving up? 

As these decisions get bigger, they of course get more sticky and complicated, so they require more time and resources (friends, coaches, mentors, parents) to navigate them. But we can be mindful about how we manage sunk cost bias on a more daily basis. If you pay for an expensive meal, do you keep eating after you’re full because you’re thinking about the five dollars still on your plate? If you decide to paint your bathroom yellow and realize you hate it half way through, do you keep painting because you already bought the paint and towels to match? If you write a story that won’t show you an ending, do you dig in day after day or put it on a shelf? (What story isn’t getting written while you tackle that one…this post only exists because I gave up on the other one.)

There are no right answers. We will always have to face decisions about when to be tenacious and when to let go. But it’s summer and life is short so for now, let me suggest that if you’re half way through a book you aren’t loving, don’t finish it! If you bought tickets to an outdoor concert but it’s drizzling and you’re exhausted, don’t go! If your friend won’t take the advice you’ve been giving them all year, stop giving it to them! Look for all the little ways you can give up for good reasons. To remind yourself that letting something go can be as brave as fighting for it with all your might.